"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."

• "Looking back over the years that we've been together,
  I can't help but wonder: What the hell was I thinking?"
  
  
• "How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"
  
  
• "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
  After having met you, I've changed my mind."
  
  "I must admit, you brought religion in my life.  I never believed
  in Hell till I met you."
  
  
• "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that
  you're not here to ruin it for me."
  
  
• "If I  only have one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your
  sister."
  
  
• "As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given
  me.
  Like the need for therapy..."
  
  
• "Congratulations on your promotion.  Before you go, would you
  like to take this knife out of my back?  You'll probably need
  it again."
  
  
• "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
  
  
• "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
  Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your
   promise."
  
  
• "We've been friends a very long time; what say we call it
  quits?"
  
  
• "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
  
  
• "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.  Did you ever find
  out who the father was?"
  
  
• "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your
  birthday, so we're having you put to sleep."
  
  
• "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!"